Xoxo's Journal

[xoxohart]

Geez, what am I doing to myself? Repeat after me: Core works. It is not hard.

I am back on that same old roller coaster, thinking I can just eat reasonably, have a little of this or that, I don't need to be on a specific program. WRONG! I think about the South Beach diet and think, oh, I should try that to drop some weight fast. WRONG!

All I need to do is follow Core. Fruits, veggies, whole grains, nonfat dairy. It is not hard. And count the d*mn points for everything else.

I want to wear my skinny clothes again!

Today's challenge: Meeting two high school friends at one of their parents' houses. Bathing suits will be involved. Food will be provided. I will count points for anything not Core. They are both tall thin blondes who like to eat healthy. The point is seeing them.

Update on Boy: He helped set up the stage last night for another fundraiser; I think he enjoyed the hard work and seeing how all the sound equipment was connected. However, we couldn't convince him to stay and hear the band. BUT at around 10:30 he called me and said, unprompted, "I love you, Mommy." Then he asked me to bring home leftover pizza and cookies. Sure, he can manipulate me into bringing him junk food with those magic words, but it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

So, I ate a lot last night, and drank three nice glasses of red wine over the course of the evening, but also danced a lot and helped put away the heavy stage afterwards. Today is a new day, fueled by happy memories and the bloated feeling of too many cookies the night before!

[xoxohart]

Yesterday I went running. DD and I started out together and went more than a mile, then she turned back. I walked the rest of the way, over the hill, past the soccer field. Then I turned back. So really, "only" about a mile of jogging, and 3 of walking. But this morning my tush is sore; it is a good feeling.

After nearly nine months, I think my knee is back to normal. Yesterday I was stretching and realized that I could bend that knee all the way. That makes me happy!

It is time for my body to heal from a very difficult year and a half. Weight gained from stress and feeling out of control, using food as self-medication. Nails bitten to the quick, cuticles bitten and torn. A body that is still strong from an active job, but soft because of the lack of dedicated, continuous exercise.

Even though I still have no time, I will take care of myself. I have the mental energy back to do this. I have stopped biting my nails and fingers; they actually look almost normal now. Running a little bit yesterday felt so good. Eating well feels great. Onward.

[xoxohart]

So many stops and false starts over the past year. It is painful to look back, and as motivated as I feel today, to think, "Is this really any different? Will I really do it this time?"

I went to a WW meeting on Saturday, and bravely stepped on the scale. 162.4 pounds. Ouch! But not unexpected. I am now into yet another set of bigger clothes, and this has to stop. I've been feeling bad about my weight for quite a few weeks now, and have made several short-lived attempts (eating a healthy breakfast and lunch, but getting out of control in the afternoon). But Saturday morning I woke up and on the spur of the moment -- not premeditated at all, I swear -- thought, "Today is the day. I'm going to a meeting."

The topic of the meeting was perfect -- thinking positive. Replacing negative thoughts with positive. I think of myself as a very positive person, and when the meeting began, I was thinking, "I never talk to myself that way." But then we got to perfectionist thinking. I do that. Even though I tell myself that I don't -- for example, by convincing myself that I can have a little bit of that treat, that it will not throw me off -- and then, it does, and I binge for the rest of the day. That IS perfectionist thinking. What has contributed to this trap is that I have been so convinced that Core is the only weight loss program that has ever worked for me, that if I don't stick to Core, I won't lose weight. I "hated" counting points so much; the stress of seeing those 35 WPAs disappear really discouraged me. Magical thinking. If I only eat Core food, I will lose weight. As true as that may be, it is very limiting. All or nothing.

After the meeting, I stayed for the new member orientation. Again, lightbulb moment. Up until that point, I had still been considering doing the Simply Filling plan. The leader suggested to another person who asked about it that she just try counting for one week, and if it really was too difficult, she would give her the materials for SF next week. I can do it.

So, I am counting. I have discovered a certain freedom in it. As much as I hate counting two points for a banana or a large apple, I just do it. I am eating healthy food, trying to meet the upteen healthy guidelines, using WPAs as necessary. I made it through Mother's Day without feeling deprived, but also by paying attention to what went into my mouth. By making choices and thinking ahead instead of being guided by impulse.

Today I called in sick, ostensibly because I do have a cold and don't feel really great, and don't want to spread the germs. That is a very good reason to stay away. I have an excellent, capable sub and my staff are all superheros; they can get along without me. But the truth is, if it weren't for the swine flu, I wouldn't use this kind of illness as an excuse; I'd be at work. The real reason I'm relieved to use this excuse is because I want to stay home and work on my independent study project for my clear credential; it is due in ten days and today I am starting it.

Gosh, I actually don't feel great.

[xoxohart]

Last week was great. I counted everything, and even went over my WPAs by 5. But I lost 4.8 pounds. How motivating is that? I convinced one of my co-workers to meet me at the 8:30 a.m. meeting on Saturday, and I also saw another acquaintance from my church. The church friend said she's been "back" to WW for about a year, and just counts everything, and that it is "magic." "When I journal everything, I lose," she said. "It's magic." I'm starting to think that's true. Even if I'm over points, the mere act of journaling makes me think about my food, encourages me to measure it, and makes me consider whether I really want a second serving of something. In the past, I've had a hard time once I start eating (especially snacking) because then I don't want to stop. Last week, after a snack or meal, when I wanted more, I told myself to get up from the table, maybe have a cup of tea, glass of water, or diet soda, and go do something else for awhile. Every time, I ended up being fine with not eating more. I really do feel in control.

Challenges this week: Today is staff development and there will probably be breakfast items this morning, and munchy snacks at the afternoon session. I'm good with either not having anything or just counting it. I'm also bringing my own lunch -- homemade tabouli with lots of extra veggies, a 1-point yogurt, grapes and carrots, plus a water bottle that I'll keep refilling. Not sure about any other challenges. I just don't feel stressed about food right now, which is such a change. I don't feel the need to play games with it or anything like that. I mostly feel relieved and "free" when I think about food right now. I'm so tired of feeling controlled by it.

My heart sank a little on Saturday when DD went to the grocery store with me. She found some cheese bagels, which were not on my list, and asked if we could get them. Over the past month or so, I have been eating bagels semi-regularly. I associate them with my weight gain. Part of my perfectionist thinking -- if I have a bagel, I am "off program."

There is no longer such a thing as being "off program" or "on program." I am journaling what I eat. Period. Counting the points and moving on. If I truly decide I'd rather have a bagel with light cream cheese than, say a light English muffin with eggs, I'll count the points, measure the cream cheese, and just have it.

This week I can also start counting APs. Since I haven't felt that well, my exercise has been sporadic. Last week I did walk the dog several times, including one walk that was nearly three miles. I am actually very motivated to exercise, but not feeling that great still. So we'll see. But I am looking forward to toning up with weights, earning APs, and getting back into great shape.

It is going to be another very hot day today. This morning when I was getting dressed, I tried on several pairs of lighweight pants (the ones I bought about two years ago, when I gained too much weight to fit into my skinny clothes). They were all just too tight. So I am wearing my jeans, the ones that are yet another size larger. At this point, I am not going to buy anything new; it seems like a waste of money. I can wear my jeans (hot) or a loose skirt until that first set of clothes fits again. They are just a little too tight to look nice or feel good, but hopefully in a week or two they will be okay. I guess that's just another form of motivation.

[xoxohart]

The Weight Watchers thing is going well. I'm not having any trouble or anxieties with counting points. In fact, the first two weeks I did go over my weekly points, went out to dinner the night before weigh-in both times, and still lost. This week, I'm trying to be more careful with the points, and also to earn more APs. I've already topped last week's total, which makes me proud -- not that it was very many!

I'm kind of worried about Boy; but I'm really worried about another young man I know. In fact, I'm heartbroken. This is a young guy, the son of an acquaintance from my church. I met her son last summer at one of our patio parties and we talked about special ed; he had been working with kids with autism. So this year, he started working at my school, in my friend's classroom. He is a great person, very kind and patient with the kids. 25 years old. Heroin addict.

So now he's not there anymore, and I don't know what to say to my friend. I just sent her a message telling her some wonderful things her son did at our school, how he has such a kind heart and loving spirit, and that I hope all is well. I don't know what else to do, since I'm not really supposed to know about why the young man is no longer at work, but gossip is always alive and well. I sort of wish I didn't know anything. But then again, it's a poignant reminder of how destructive drugs can be, but the terrible choices that some people make are not necessarily the most important thing about them -- at least not in the impact they make on the people around them. I am so sad.